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June 08, 2008

Comments

rachel hall

I am wrapping my arms around you in the biggest of hugs and sobbing for you and your loss. My heart is heavy for you.

I love you and I am here. Always.

Michelle

I'm a new reader to your blog and just wanted to say I'm so very sorry your having to go through this again. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Your so right in that the sharing helps so much, for both the sharer and listener/reader. I felt like I was going a little(or a lot) crazy going through my miscarriages and found that reading other womens candid experiences helped me so much. I learnt that I wasn't alone, and wasn't crazy. The emotions and feelings are so big and so real and so so justified.

Thanks again.

MotherMe

This must have been so hard to write. It was hard reading (my box of tissues is much lighter now...!) I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this pain, and twice, at that. My heart goes out to you and your family. Still, thank you for sharing this story. I took away a new insight into how to approach other women who have experienced miscarriages. *hugs*

Kimberly

Thank you for sharing your story. I've had 7 (that we can confirm) miscarriages over 11 years and none were easy or pretty. Even with 5 children (none of which are birth children...all adopted) the pain never completely goes away. You can learn to use it to help others grieve, you can hold it in, you can show it, you can put it aside for awhile, but it always comes back at some point. The more you grieve now, the more you share your story, the more you celebrate (as hard as that word sounds) the life you had by honoring it and remembering it (as you did with Hope) it helps make things more real and more able to cope. If you need anything, a shoulder, an ear, whatever, just know I am not that far away ok :)

Jess

I do think that sharing your story is a very important step on the road to recovery.
I have had more than one session with friends when we all shared our histories and it seemed to me like this is how it must feel after a war when everyone shares their War Stories.
I feel like giving voice to the pain makes it a little more real and when something is real and we can look at it in the light of day, we can work through it, though I still think about our miscarraige every day and it has been 5 and a half years.
I also think it is valuable to other women to share your story.
I have a friend who is in her early 40s who had a miscarraige a couple of months ago and had never had a friend go through it.
She was surprised that they were so common, in fact, of the four women who were talking that day we had each had at least one.
It helps to know that you're not alone in a time like that.
Thank you for sharing your story.

Georgiana

I feel as if words can't possibly be enough right now, so I will simply say thank you for sharing your story, and my thoughts are with you and yours.

Tammy

Hugs

Mandaleigh

Thank you for having the strength to share something so personal. My love for you, sister-mama-friend, is strong and my prayers go to help hold you up. (I am crying with you as I type!) I think of you often and pray when I do. There is no "back to normal," so my prayer is that you will be able to assimilate, as you did with Hope, and move forward with this new part of you in your heart.

=huge hugs=

Dani

Kristin, I applaud your honesty, your candor and your courage. Courage because you're right - miscarriage is an unspeakable grief that tends to be shrouded in guilt, and misunderstandings.

As I told you earlier in the week, there are no words. I can simply be here, willing to listen, to talk, to care. And I am never more than an email away.

Continuing to send you loving soothing healing comforting thoughts, and of course, hugs!

Caitlin

There is nothing I can say except that I am so sorry for your loss. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. My family (including my husband, my mother, my neighbor) all send our love and prayers to you and your family.

Myriam

I think what you have just done is amazing. I know the tendency is to just withdraw and and keep to yourself. It takes a lot of strength to be so candid about you experiences. Again i am so sorry for you loss and i am sending you big hugs!!

Kathi D

My sister's first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Even after 40+ years and three now grown-up children, she can't talk about that first baby without tears. It does get easier with time, but you never "get over" the loss of a child.

jen

I've also had 2 miscarriages before I had Andy, and there are people in my own family who don't know about the second one because of the callous comments they made after the first (I'm looking at you, Nana!). Even after going through it myself twice, I still don't know what to say to others. I usually (like now) wind up sharing my own story and hoping the "you are not alone" (ugh, that awful Michael Jackson song just popped into my head) factor is enough to comfort them even a little. The other thing is, I didn't grieve the same way I've seen others do. I was upset, sure, but I took a really matter-of-fact attitude toward my own losses (and they were losses, even at 6 & 8 weeks), so sometimes I feel like I'm not qualified or "authentic" enough to counsel other women through their grief. Sometimes I feel as though, because I don't cry over my own losses, that I did it wrong, somehow. I read about women like you, who are just shaken to their very core, and I think "did I cry enough? Was I sad enough? I'm not sad like she is, I don't remember what their due dates would have been, even! What's wrong with me?" But it's not about me or how I grieve, it's about wrapping our sisters up in love and letting their tears wet our shoulders, even if distance keeps us from doing that in person.

Iryl

Hugs

kristin

First, I want to say that I am incredibly moved by each of your comments, ladies, and there are no words to thank you enough.

Secondly, I wanted to reply to Jen. There is no wrong way to go through this. Your body and your emotions handle things the best way that it knows how. You love your lost little ones, and your process of going through this is unique to you.

You said you wondered if you cried enough, or if you were sad enough.... sometimes I feel like the one who is odd in my grieving. Many of the women I know were able to move on and handle their losses with grace and strength. I feel betrayed, bitter, broken...

I don't know that there are any differences that make it so. I doubt it. I think its just different views and processes in facing the same struggles and heartbreaks. However you grieve is not only valid but precious - hold on to your history and your process - its yours, and no one can contest that or take it from you.

I'm sending you big big hugs...

Missy

I am so sorry for your loss.

The night before I read Rachel's post with your update, I had a dream that I miscarried our baby. I am 10 weeks. It was so real, and so agonizing. I woke up with a broken heart. Then I read Rachel's post and my heart broke even more knowing that that is what you were dealing with. Is there a grief counselor or someone that you can talk to on base (I don't even know if you are near a base or not)? I am sending you big hugs.

kristin

*HUGS* missy - Thank you so much.... we live near Ft. Sill and will be meeting with a chaplain this week....

Amanda

Kristin, I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry, thank you for sharing your story.

Sharon

Thank you for sharing your story. It's strong women like you who help to open the channels of communication about something that can be so isolating. It doesn't have to be that way.

I agree with Missy - go talk to someone. Please don't take this as me second-guessing your decision, but, really, now is not the time to decide whether or not to continue on this journey. You need to stop, stand still, and let it all wash over you. The good along with the very, very painful.

My first hubby and I had several miscarriages before we got preggers with Monkey. Each one was devastating, and none got any easier. I was so surprised by how many women around me told me their stories, how many had gone through the same thing, and it made me so angry. Angry at the world, angry at my body, angry with whatever Power it is that decides these things.

But, yes, meet with the chaplain. Talk things out. If that doesn't help, go to mental health and talk with a grief counselor, too. The military is great for these kinds of resources. I know. Talk, and let it spill out of you. Then, when you feel like some of this burden has eased up a bit, when the trauma and the wounds stop feeling so very incredibly raw (and it will...but I know you know that), that's when you can seriously sit down and decide if this is the road for you and your hubby.

All my best to you, Kirstin. Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sucks, and there's no easy way to find your way out of this forest. You're doing the right thing, though. By voicing your feelings and putting it out there. We're all here, listening and nodding our heads and sending you hugs and healing vibes. We're here to take care of each other, Momma.

Jen

Hi Kristin,
As a sister in grief, I have such a soft spot for your broken heart. I know so much the pain that comes with the well-intended equivocations and pat-answers. I've often wondered at the phenomenon to have to "say" something in the way of an answer, when what scripture challenges us to do is "Weep with those who weep." So I weep with you, dear sister.

You'll never stop missing your little ones, but I pray that you will eventually come to a place where the hurt doesn't ache quite so badly.

Grief is a cycle. And it has many faces. Steel your heart dear one, and surround yourself with friends to love you.

I would encourage you to refrain from making any decisions right now. Grief can be an abusive master--tempting us to thoughts and actions that we wouldn't even consider under other circumstances. Right now, just concentrate on mourning and healing. The time for decisions and moving on will come. But today, just let the God of comfort minister to your spirit, and let your friends lift you up.

Christina

Hey woman!
Just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking about you still!
We prayed for you at church this past week also!
Just remember that if you need anything, you know where I am!

Lindsay Lee

I just stumbled upon your blog. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing. I've been there too. Nobody who hasn't been through it seems to understand that it is a REAL loss. A loss I still grieve four children later. I have prayed for you and your family. I hope you are able to find the healing you need.

pam

Thank you for this post Kristin. Thank you for being brave enough to speak out. Now I know I'm truly not alone in some of the things I feel. (and the anger over what some people say or do) I don't think the pain ever goes away but it becomes a part of you, your life, and your appreciation for the simple joys in life.

elsa

Kristin,
I have been thinking about your post a lot today. Thank you for bringing this out of the shadows. It's a difficult topic, because so many of us have experienced it in some form within our families-- whether a sister, mother, daughter. And yet, even with ones so close, we are so often reluctant to talk about it. Sometimes it even becomes a taboo topic within a family. So thank you again, for reminding us of the importance of openness and empathy. Sending warmest thoughts to you and your family.

Shannon O.

Thank you for 'keeping it real' - I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Natalie

Thank you for being so brave and sharing your stories with us. I wish you and your family much love as you heal together.

Henna

I am so sorry for your loss. Take time to grieve for yourself and your family.

I am suffering from infertility, so I haven't even had a chance to GET pregnant yet. I am amazed, angry and downright pissed off at the things people say to me and others about such a personal matter. I think every school in the world should have classes in tact.

Sending you hugs and healing thoughts.

Danielle

Kristin~ Sending you lots of hugs and prayers. I'm so sorry for your loss, thanks for sharing your grief, your anger, your tears...
My prayer to you...
Dear God, Surround Kristin, Kevin, Abbi & Anna with your love as they grieve the loss of their precious child, place people around them to help them through this most difficult time. Love them, heal them, be with them. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Renell

Kristin, I am so sorry that you and your family went through this, I have you in my prayers. You have opened up a whole new forum for others who have gone through this, what a kind and brave topic to introduce on your blog and let everyone participate in. Your way with words is so to the point and meaningful, such a gift. Kind Regards, Renell

Juli

My children would have been 6 1/2 and almost 5. I think about what I would say to them if I ever had the chance to hold them. I never had the courage to grieve like you, I was ashamed of myself. I thought that if I did show any real emotion that I would be selfish. I still to this day can't figure out how to describe the emotions of such a loss. Thank you for being so open about it.


Tonya Richard

Kristin, I am so so sorry :*(

Your right, there are no words to make it better, I know exactly what you are going through, I have lost 3 babies. I was 14 weeks when I had my first m/c and had a very similar experience as you, it was horribly heartbreaking and scary. My 2nd and 3rd m/c were after I already had 5 children, and the comments I got from people were horrible. It was like they thought it was barely a blip in my life since I already had *so many* children. Like the more you have, the less value they possess. I desperately wanted these babies and it hurt so badly to know that no one seemed to value them at all.

What you are doing is so healthy, verbalizing your feelings is good, feeling is good, it is the only way to heal. I tried to keep things in, and I ended up finally exploding. You will be in my thoughts and prayers{{{big hugs}}}}

Rosanne - Firefly Nights

I am sorry that you have had to go through such a painful event in your life once again. From what you've said about your husband and the mother's ring he bought in memory of Hope, he must be a caring man. I hope he has been able to offer some comfort to you during this terrible time. And, you obviously have a caring blog community, many of whom seem to have shared a similar type of pain. I hope in time your pain and sadness will lessen. Your story was so sad. I hope sharing it has brought you some peace.

Shannon

Kristin and Kevin and girls,
I am so sorry for your loss, I don't have anythig I can say. I just want you to know that Karl, Patrick, Mackenzie and I are praying for you and thinking of you. I hope that you are doing ok and if you need anything that I can help you with, please let me know. Thinking of you and prayin for you all.

Love,
Shannon

Laurie

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry. Hugs and prayers for you. Take care of yourself.

Suzanne

Kristin,
I just stumbled upon your blog and read your post. I am so sorry. I can close my eyes and be right back in the doctor's office of Sept '04 during a routine checkup, getting an ultrasound at 11 weeks and the tech who brusquely told me, 'there's no heartbeat, you are going to miscarry' and remember the shock and pain. I am praying for you.

Barb

I am so sorry. Sorry for what happened, and sorry to discover this post so belatedly. But I thank you for laying your soul on the table--it helps you heal, and it helps others too.

Stacy

I have no words of wisdom for you but i am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your pain, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I actually read this the other day and had no idea what to say but have thought of you often and just wanted to let you know. (HUGS)

Linda

I am so sorry for your loss, Kristin. My heart goes out to you right now.

Lauri

Kristin-
I'm so sorry to hear about your losses! I have had 3 miscarriages myself...2 between Allison and Ethan, and one between Ethan and Claire. I could tell stories but I don't want to take away from your's here. Just know that I'm thinking of you all and wishing you the best. It's normal to be sad, angry, depressed, blaming, etc...so let those feelings work through you however they need to.

I've also had all the comments you've had and I know even one more especially...after having Allison and Ethan, we supposedly, at least according to society, had the 'perfect' family: mom, dad, girl and boy. People would ask why I would even want to get pregnant again after having a girl AND a boy! When I was pregnant with Claire, people would actually seem to be angry that I would have another after already having one of each! I just could not believe the nerve of some people, many of whom don't even really know me, how my family should be and who it should or should not consist of!! I would just tell them I'm in it for the child, not the boy or the girl.

Anyway, again, wishing you all the best!
Lauri

Cin (from HER)

I'm so, so sorry.

I miscarried my very first pregnancy, in 2001. I was 10 weeks. My daughter's name is Hope, too.

I hope, in some small way, we were helpful at HER. Please remember you are always welcome there -- once an HGer, always an HGer. The experience never truly leaves you. But if you find it too painful to visit us, we understand that too.

((((((((((Kristin)))))))

Dove

Big, big, big hugs.

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